Cold War Jokes - KGB & CIA: Secret agent humor, jokes about the KGB, jokes about the CIA

KGB & CIA jokes, secret agent jokes

KGB agents specialized in espionage are called to an emergency meeting.

Their chief lets them know about the problem: "Please don't let anyone pee in the park, 'cause our microphones will get rusty"

A black Volga car hustles wildly through a Russian city, under heavy rain, splashing the mud on everyone around.

Two undercover KGB agents get covered up in mud from head to toes... Both get angry and one of them starts threatening...

KGB agent #1: "I'll show the moron driver who's boss around here! Splashing us with mud will get him behind bars for life! I'll call the police to stop the car at the first cross-road and have the bastards beaten up so they never forget it! What was the number of that car?"

The car can still be seen faraway, just as it disappears in the horizon, the other KGB agent reads the car's number...

KGB agent #2: "It's... Kremlin 1... and that's it..."

Realizing that that's the Soviet President's number, the angry mud-covered KGB agent replies...

KGB agent #1: "Ooh! I think I just splashed myself!..."

KGB agent #2: "...sure, me too..."

KGB agent #1: "...l-l-let's j-just go home now..."

KGB agent #2: "...su-su-re, I'll ask Natasha to wash it out for me..."

An archaeologist finds a mummy in Egypt. An international debate starts over how old it could be... Nobody knows, so the mummy is brought to various countries for analysis by different experts...

It is brought to the USA first, the US specialists say, it is 3.000 years old.

Then, the Japanese, precise as usually, find that it is 2.953 years old.

The Russians come with the final result: "The mummy is 2.953 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days old". Journalists curiously ask how they found this out, the Russians reply: "The mummy was taken to the KGB and he confessed under torture"

In a school in the Soviet Union, the teacher talks about the importance of work.

Teacher: "Vladimir, what does your father do? What does he work?"

Vladimir: "He's a doctor!"

Teacher: "Great! Why don't you come here and sit in the first row!"

The kid goes and sits down in the front bench. The teacher continues...

Teacher: "Boris, your father?"

Boris: "He's a university professor!"

Teacher: "Excellent! Come and site in the first row with Vladimir!"

Boris sits down near Vladimir in the first row. The teacher asks Sergey...

Teacher: "Sergey, what does your father do?"

Sergey: "He works at the KGB. Interrogation section."

Teacher: "Oh! Well... Why don't you Vladimir and Boris sit back on your seats ant let Sergey come sit in the first row?!"

A Russian citizen is trying to protest against the communist regime, therefore he throws leaflets, papers around on the Red Square in Moscow. KGB agents arrest him and question him, then they observe that there was nothing on the papers, they were all plain white.

The KGB agents ask him why the papers are white, then the prisoner replies: "It's obvious anyway, why should I write it down?"

Mr.Ivanov, a Russian engineer is caught on the streets by the KGB, brought with a black car to the secret headquarters for interrogation...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I live on Stalin Street, number 9"

After a few hours he gets beaten up and asked again...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I told you, I live at Stalin Street number 9"

He gets beaten up, tortured and thrown into a chamber...

The next day he gets asked again, then beaten up again and so on...

After a week of beating and torturing, the KGB agents think he's crazy and let him go home...

When Mr.Ivanov arrives to his building, his neighbour, and old lady whispers to him: "Psst! Mr.Ivanov! There were a coupple of agents here, several times this week, they were asking whether you lived here. But don't worry Mr.Ivanov, I told them I never heard about you!"

A CIA secret agent is sent to the Communist Republic Of Romania to assassinate Nicolae Ceauşescu, the most dangerous dictator of communist Europe.

The agent goes to a public meeting and tries to aim, but... he cannot shoot the dictator. He tries again, again and again, but he cannot do it...

When he returns to the CIA headquarters in Washington, he is asked by his chief what happened.

CIA agent: "Whenever I managed to crawl forward to find myself a good position, tried to aim, but then the whole crowd looked at me and started shouting: SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"

Russian kid, Boris is asked at the school by his teacher: "Who killed Caesar?"

The kid didn't know...

After class, the teacher talks to her husband, who is a KGB agent, telling him that "Boris says he doesn't know who killed Caesar!"

The next day, Boris is missing from class...

Suddenly, the teacher's husband interrupts the math class, stepping in with 2 other agents, packed-up in black leather jackets.

KGB agent: "I know who killed Caesar!"

Teacher: "What...Oh, really? Who?"

KGB agent: "Boris with his father!"

Teacher: "What??!"

KGB agent: "They konfessed!"

During the Cold War, various countries had various secret services and national security agencies that were spying, some even torturing and killing innocent people...

The Soviet Union had KGB, the USA has CIA and Romania had the "Securitate", agency that listened to people's telephone calls, tortured and executed innocent people only for speaking freely...

3 secret agents meet to discuss about their job: an American, a Russian and a Romanian. They are discussing about how well the state secrets are being kept in their countries.

American CIA agent: "I work together with my wife at the CIA, she has no idea about what I work and I have no idea about what she does either! Secrets are well kept"

Russian KGB agent: "In my country it's more so, I work in the same office with my wife, neither of us has any clue about what the other is working"

Communist Romania and dictator Ceauşescu's regime had the reputation of being brutal, but also very disorganized...The Romanian secret agent replies...

Romanian Securitate agent: "In my country, it's even better! I work alone in my office and I have no idea about what I should do there!"

What is an exchange of opinion?

You go to the KGB with your opinion and, after torture, you return with theirs!

Secret agent joke heritage

Here we have another very funny theme, the one about secret agents.

During the communist period, the undercover agents were often regarded as paranoic individuals suspicious about everyone around them, cynical individuals, cunning, but with a low level of general culture.

There were a large number of secret agencies and departments in the former communist states. Agents working there were rather involved in the persecution of their own innocent and freedom-loving citizens, than espionage (like it is shown in movies).

In former communist states, the local security services (in countries like Romania, Bulgaria, Hungary, etc.) were incredibly brutal with their own citizens.

Communist agents were highly disliked by their own people. These the evil-doers were lurking, hiding between ordinary people, often trying to "blend in" and obtain information about innocent citizens, who were often arrested, tortured, jailed, even executed. In most cases, people were brutalized only for expressing free thoughts.

At the time of communism, in Romania, wearing a pair of jeans was considered a sign of "imperialist beliefs" and in Poland, criticism of the regime could get you locked up for many years.

Bulgarian secret agents were famous for killing their "enemies" with umbrellas with build-in shotgun. When the umbrella was in position, aimed at the victim, it could fire a tiny lethal bullet into him.

In other cases, injection needles containing cyanide were built into the umbrellas and were used in the unsuspecting public, quietly stinging the victim.

The Romanian "Securitate" was a another secret service, famous for the persecution of intellectuals and innocent citizens. Simply having a relative in another country could get you jailed.

Especially under the regime of Ceauşescu, this institution has committed brutal murders and has even exterminated refugees from Romania in foreign countries.

Then there was the craze created by the STASI, the East Germany state security agency, which was always on the lookout of possible connection between Eastern and Western Germans.

The STASI persecuted those who attempted to get across the Berlin Wall. And if someone did escape, their families were often subject to persecution afterwards.

In Hungary, the ÁVÓ was an aggressive "state defense agency" (as it was called), which persecuted everyone who did not acclaim communism. Simply not smiling and not clapping your hands at a communist ceremony could get you interrogated.

The Hungarian ÁVÓ, just like the KGB, was responsible of many wrong-doings, such as interrogations, blackmail.

All communist secret agents were disliked by their own citizens. In fact, little is known about these agencies in the west. If you read our jokes, you will understand more about how it was in the former communist countries.

Numerous jokes were created about undercover agents and traitors who would collaborate with the secret services.

KGB agents and CIA agents were among the most joked-about characters.

Our collection of jokes is being constantly updated as more original humorous material is being collected constantly.

Have a great laugh!

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