Life under communism

Joe is a guy living in the USA, his Russian friend Vladimir lives in the Soviet Union. Travelling from the Soviet Union to the USA is almost impossible, unless the Soviet citizen proves a good purpose for the trip and proves that he will bring a good image of communism to the USA...

So, Joe sends an invitation letter to the soviet authorities in which he says he's has Russian ancestry and that he met Vladimir in Moscow.

Before Vladimir can leave for the USA, he has to face some tough interrogations from the Soviet agents...

At the interrogation, he is "taught" what to say and how to behave in America...

Agents: "So if the Americans ask you how much money you make, what do you say?"

Vladimir: "100 Rubles"

Agents: "Korrect! And, if the Yankees ask you how much an apartment kosts in Moscow, what do you say?"

Vladimir: "1000 Rubles"

Agents: "No! Not good, you have to say 100, so that they think we live well."

Vladimir is given further instructions and he leaves.

He arrives to the USA and meets his friend Joe, who asks many questions about how life is behind the Iron Curtain...

Joe: "Hey, Vladimir, how much do you make a month?"

Vladimir: "100 Rubles!"

Joe: "And how much is a house in Russia?"

Vladimir: "100 Rubles!"

Joe: "Wow! And how much is a car in Russia?"

Vladimir: "Karr also, 100 Rubles, my friend!"

Joe: "Then why don't you have a car?"

Vladimir: "Are you krazy Joe? If I get 2 salaries, that's 200 Rubles and I kan go buy myself new bootz!"

Boris is an engineer in Vladivostok. He works every day from 5 AM till 1 PM at a heavy machinery factory...

Every day he prepares to go to work and packs the necessary things...

One morning he searches in his bag...

Boris: "Let's see... aaah... Kommunist Party Membership Book, Kommunist Seminar Notebook, Pravda Newspaper, Kolhoz Membership Book...".

He goes to work and just before entering, he remembers something, looks into his bag and...

Boris: "I forgot the little hammer and the little sickle!"

In Moscow houseblock, on the 25th floor, Natasha asks her husband, Sergei: "Go to the kitchen and konnect the proton with the neutron!"

Sergei goes to the kitchen to do so... Suddenly a crashing noise is heard from the kitchen and Sergey starts cursing: "Damn it! I fell over the damn pig's chain again!"  

A North Korean citizen is walking on the streets, cursing Kim Il Sung's regime and the poverty that ravages the nation...

North Korean citizen: "We have no food, we have no warm water, we have nothing!"

Of course, as it happens in North Korea, a group of policemen quickly arrest him and bring him into and interrogation room. They beat him up, they make him sit on a chair and fire with fake bullets towards him just to scare him with the noise.

After he's terrified enough, they let him go, thinking that he is too scared to do it again...

After leaving, the guy starts talking by himself again, as he's walking home..

North Korean citizen: "We have no bullets, we have nothing!"

Children in communist Hungary are learning about tragic events...

Teacher: "Kids, what is tragedy?"

Kid #1: "If my doggie died, that were a big tragedy!"

Teacher: "Nope, László, that's not right! If your doggie dies, that's a problem, but not a tragedy!"

Then she explains...

Teacher: "If our great prezident, komrade Kádár died, that vere a tragedy!"

Then she asks if they got it right...

Kid #2: "Yes! I understand! So, if komrade Kádár died, that were a tragedy, but certainly that wouldn't be a problem!"

Sasha is a young man from a village who goes to an art school in Moscow, he attends classes and becomes a great sculptor.

He is given a diploma by the local communist leader...

At the ceremony...

Communist leader: "Komrade Sasha, I have the great honour to give you this diploma for being the first plastic arts student at this kommunist arts akademy!"

Sasha: "Thank you komrade very much! It was a great honour to me to receive this title, I will make you such a great gravestone that you will never forget until you live! "

What is an exchange of opinion?

You go to the KGB with your opinion and, after torture, you return with theirs!

In the povery in communist Romania, in a school a kid is asked by the teacher: "What is 300 meters long, 10 meters wide and eats vegetable"? The kid rapidly replies: "The salami queue in front of the supermarket!"

A Russian peasant visits the Lenin mausoleum near the Kremlin, in Moscow.

Without buying a ticket, he goes to a guard and whispers to him.

Russian peasant: "Pssst! 'ay, komrade, I wanna talk to Lenin!"

Russian guard: "He's dead, he's laying in his coffin in the mausoleum!"

The next day, the peasant comes back and asks the same thing again...

Russian peasant: "Pssst! 'ay, komrade, I wanna talk to Lenin!"

The guard gets angry and shouts to the peasant.

Russian guard: "Lenin is dead! He can't hear ya nor talk to ya, so go home, komrade!"

The peasant goes home, but comes back the next morning and asks again. Then the guard gets mad and violently shouts at him.

Russian guard: "I told ya, Lenin is dead! Whooat the hell is wrong wit' ya, komrade? Whooay do you keep repeatin' this krap?"

Russian peasant: "'Cause it's soo good to hear that he's finally dead!"

Kids in communist East Germany are imposed to learn about the advantages of communism. At a school, the following conversation takes place...

Teacher: "Kids, here's East Germany and there's our big friend, the Soviet Union in dark red. Then, these in light here are the allies of the Soviet Union, other kommunist countries just like us.

And, over there, you will see the imperialist USA in blue. The enemy! And the enemy's allies over there in light blue.

Down there is Afrika where wild people live! The wild people live in huts and are killing each other!...

Any questions?"

Kid #1: "Do the wild people have any kommunist party?"

Teacher: "No"

Kid #2: "Do the wild people have any kommunist workers' union??"

Teacher: "No"

Kid #3: "Do the wild people have kommunism at all?"

Teacher: "No, they don't have communism"

Kid #4: "Then, what the hell has made them that wild?"

Gagarin is launched into space. Before leaving from home, he leaves a not to his wife: "Dear Natasha! I'm going to outer space, I'll be up in the sky, will be back on Monday"

Gagarin comes back and he's shocked to find a note from his wife: "Dear Yuri! I'm at the shop, waiting in the bread line. I have no idea when I will come home"

Romanian immigrant Popescu, living in the USA as a political refugee returns to Romania on a short trip and meets with his friend's (Ionescu) family... They start chatting, talking about high life standards in the US and poverty in communist Romania.

Popescu: "Hey, what do you eat?"

Ionescu: "For breakfast we have a tea, for lunch we have a coupple of potatoes and in the evening for dinner, well... a bread with mustard. That's about all you can eat in the country"

Popescu: "Oh, ... no much has changed since I have immigrated"

Ionescu: "But, for every Christmas, we have pork! We buy a pig, we keep him on the balcony and on Christmas day, we cut him down! Popescu, do you also cut the pig in America?"

Popescu: "No, here we shoot it"

Communist dictator, Fidel Castro terrorizes his people to applaud him, to acclaim him, treating him like a semi-god figure. Acclamations are compulsory, anyone not applauding his speeches goes to jail.

One day, the long bearded Castro decides to go out and mix in with his people. He wants to know whether people really like him or simply acclaim him because they are persecuted if they don't.

Castro goes to cinema, where a movie about him is running... he sits down and admires the movie from the cinema chair...

Suddenly he appears in the movie. Everyone in the cinema jumps up applauding and shouting: "Long live Fidel Castro! Long live Fidel Castro!"

Castro feels overwhelmed, smiling in the middle of the crowd.

His happiness makes him feel ecstatic...

Suddenly someone taps him on the head: "Clap your hands Santa Claus or the police will lock you up for good!"

In Romania, a worker goes home and finds his wife in bed with the neighbour, Popescu.

The tired worker goes mad and starts shouting at his wife: "Piranda, are you nuts? What are you doing with Popescu in bed?".

The wife jumps out naked and violently shouts: "What the hell do you want me to serve him with, hah? We got no beer, there's no coffee in shops, there's nothing!..."

Under the Ceauşescu regime, in Romania, people had suffered tremendously due to lack of food. Bread was hard to fin and meat, cheese were almost inexistent.

A lady goes into a shop asking for food:

Client lady: "Do you have any salami?"

Sales lady: "No!"

Client lady: "Do you have any bread?"

Sales lady: "No!"

Client lady: "Do you have any cheese?"

Sales lady: "No!"

Since there's nothing else in the shop than mustard, vinegar and nice images of delicious food, the client lady sadly goes home.

After several weeks, the dictator, Nicolae Ceauşescu visits the neighbourhood.

Urgently food is brought to the shop in order to please the dictator during his visit. Making him think that his people have high life standards and eat well.

The client lady comes to the shop again.

Waits in line for half a day...

Finally reaches the sales person and the following conversation takes place:

Client lady: "Do you have any salami?"

Sales lady: "Yes!"

Client lady: "Really? How about Swiss cheese?"

Sales lady: "Of course!"

Client lady: "Marzipan?"

Sales lady: "Sure!"

Client lady: "Then give me a package of each one!"

Sales lady: "Do you have a recipe?"

Client lady: "???"

Russian cop and football coach are discussing about their problems with their wives.

Cop: "Natasha shouts like a wild jackal, I kannot make her shut her big mouth. I don't get it! I take the handcuffs out, she shouts, I take the rubberstick out and threaten her, then I take the gun out, but she still speaks too much!"

Football coach: "Oh! Well, I have resolved that problem simply: I am a football koach right?"

Cop: "Right!"

Football coach: "So, I gave my wife a yellow kard last time when she opened her big mouth. Now she shuts up, 'koz she knows that the next one will be a red kard and I'll throw her out the window!

A CIA secret agent is sent to the Communist Republic Of Romania to assassinate ruthless dictator Nicolae Ceauşescu, the most cruel self-obsessed dictator of communist Europe.

The agent goes to a public meeting and tries to aim, but... he cannot shoot the dictator. He tries again, again and again, but he cannot do it...

When he returns to the CIA headquarters in Washington, he is asked by his chief what happened.

CIA agent: "Whenever I managed to crawl forward to find myself a good position, tried to aim, but then the whole crowd looked at me and started shouting: SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"

2 old men meet on the street in Moscow and discuss about their sons' jobs...

Old man #1: "Where does your son work?"

Old man #2: "At da kommunist party, he's da main activist of our city" 

Old man #1: "And your son?"

Old man #2: "He doesn't work either"

Towards the end of the Second World War, Hungary is occupied by the Soviet army and all streets, squares, institutions are renamed. People who continue to use the old names are arrested and beaten up by the communists.

Immediately after the occupation, an old man from a village, visit's the country's capital, Budapest.

He gets lost. Not knowing that the streets have been renamed, he ask people for various place names.

Old man: "Excuse me, sir, where is the "Heroes' square"?

Pedestrian # 1: "No, old man, don't use that name! It's "Stalin Square" now!"

Later...

Old man: "Excuse me, sir, where is the "Chain Bridge"?

Pedestrian # 2: "Oh my God! Don't use the old name of the bridge! It's "Red Army Bridge" now! If you say that once more, you could get into jail, be careful!"

The old man gets terrified and takes a walk on the bank of river Danube.

He's spotted by a soviet officer who shouts at him with anger.

Soviet officer: "'Ay, old komrade! What 'r' ya lookin' at?"

Old man: "Nothing! I'm just admiring the Volga!"

Two North-Koreans are arguing about whether it is or it isn't worth to immigrate to the United States.

One of them says: "I've heard that in the US, 2 street dogs have eaten a guy!"

The other one: "So, let's go then!!! Yesterday in Pyongyang I saw 2 guys sharing only 1 dog!"

A joke contest is organized in the Socialist Communist Republic Of Romania.

The first winner got a prize of 20 years in prison. Second prize was 10 years of forced labour.

Under Nicolae Ceauşescu's ruthless dictatorial regime, Romanian citizens suffer from low life standards.

Shops only sell vinegar and mustard. Food is hard to find.

A man is walking on the streets of Bucharest with an empty bag. Suddenly he stops and opens his bag and starts wondering... "I can't remember was I going to the shop or coming from the shop?"

Boris, a Russian kid, stands up on his desk during class and starts cursing everyone of his classmates around.

The teacher shouts at Boris, tries to get him off the desk and threatens him...

Boris is not afraid of anything, he shouts to the teacher...

Boris: "Go to hell you stupid witch!"

Then the teacher tells him, she'll call the director...

The nasty kid aggressively replies...

Boris: "Who? The direktor? Oh, that ape face? Tell him to shut his stinking mouth up and wash his smelly feet!"

The teacher unable to calm him down, goes to the school director and tells him what is going on.

The director is extremely angry. Opens a shelf and takes the school students' personal data list out...

Director: "Let's see who his parents are, we'll kall them!"

As he finds that Boris' father works at the KGB and his mother is the vice president of the local communist workers' union, his speech freezes...

Teacher: "Well? What's their phone number?"

The director (with shaking lips)...

Director: "W-w-well, why don't you go to hell, you idiot witch and I'll shut my stinking mouth up and g-go wash my smelly feet right now!"

Someone travelling in a Moscow subway asks an other traveler: "Excuse me, komrade, do you work for da police?"

The other guy answers: "Niet" (No).

"Are you a member of da kommunist party?"

"No, I don't"

"Do you work for da KGB?"

"No"

"Does anyone in your family work for the Soviet government in any way, anywhere?"

"No, no, I'm just a simple citizen..."

"Well, then get the hell off my foot, you filthy animal!"

An immense Stalin statue is being placed by communists in the center of the Hungarian capital, Budapest. The statue is put into position hanging by a rope.

A citizen who is taking a walk nearby, shouts at the workers who are positioning the statue: "Hey, there is a mistake! The rope doesn't stand rite around Stalin's neck!"

A worker shouts back: "But, the rope is not part of the Stalin statue, the rope is not supposed to be around Stalin's neck!"

Another citizen replies: "That's the other mistake about it!"

Khrushchev is extremely angry at his ministers who don't understand him and shouts at them: "Komrades, I am telling you, when I say I take, I have taken and when I say I give I have said"

Under dictator Ceauşescu, people in Romania live under constant terror, poverty and are forced to work more an more...

A man meets his friend on the street and says to him: "Hey, we beat France with score 7-5, did you know?". His friend replies: "No, in what, football?". The reply is: "No, no, in working days per week!"

Russian kid, Boris is asked at the school by his teacher: "Who killed Caesar?"

The kid didn't know...

After class, the teacher talks to her husband, who is a KGB agent, telling him that "Boris says he doesn't know who killed Caesar!"

The next day, Boris is missing from class...

Suddenly, the teacher's husband interrupts the math class, stepping in with 2 other agents, packed-up in black leather jackets.

KGB agent: "I know who killed Caesar!"

Teacher: "What...Oh, really? Who?"

KGB agent: "Boris with his father!"

Teacher: "What??!"

KGB agent: "They konfessed!"

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