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Military jokes
The Russians and the Chinese are at the peak of political conflict. Both countries threaten each other militarily... A big package arrives to the Kremlin... Brezhnev opens it, it's a big bag of beans... And a note from Mao: "This is how many we will come to crush you!". Brezhnev writes another note, orders for a big bag of flour to be sent to Beijing. Mao receives it with the note: "...And this is how we will send you back!" A military exercise is carried out at an American airbase. The paratroopers have jumped out of the C-130 Hercules. Suddenly, a soldier screams desperately to his officer! Soldier: "Sir! My parachute doesn't open!" Officer: "Don't worry soldier! This is just an exercise!" The US Army is carrying out an artillery exercise. Officer: "Load... Fire!" Soldier: "Fire?! Where?!" A military exercise is organized on an American aircraft carrier. One of the soldiers is asked by an officer... Officer: "What do you do if you see the mushroom of a nuclear explosion?" Soldier: "Sir! Commander sir! I continue washin' tha' floa' sir!" East German soldiers are training. After so many wars with so many enemies, everyone is confused about who the allies and who the enemy is. The commander is testing his soldiers. Commander: "Schultz!" Soldier Schultz: "Ja, Herr Kommandant!" Commander: "If you meet an American and a Russian soldier, vich vun vill you kill?" Soldier Schultz: "Ze Russian!" Commander: "No, you dumkopf! If I vere you, I vould kill ze American!" Soldier Schultz: "See, Herr Kommandant, you still leave me za Russian?" Hungarian communist president, János Kádár and Soviet president Leonid Brezhnev are arguing about which country has better soldiers? Hungary or the Soviet Union? Brezhnev: "Of course, the Soviets are better! The Soviet soldier first thinks, only then hits! Kádár: "No, certainly not! The Hungarian is better, he hits and only thinks afterwards!" Then, to settle the problem, the two commy leaders make a bet and a Soviet and a Hungarian soldier are bourght for a test. Brezhnev asks the Soviets soldier... Brezhnev: "Sergei, that's korade Kádár, president of Hungary, hit him!" The Soviet soldier starts thinking... Soviet soldier: "No, I kould never hit a komrade!" Then, the Hungarian soldier enters the test... Kádár: "László, hit Brezhnev as hard as you can!" The Hungarian sodlier blasts him with his fist, Brezhnev falls on his back... The Hungarian soldier is ordered to leave... But he just stops at the door and starts thinking... Then Kádár despairs... Kádár: "You stupid! You will ruin my bet! What are you thinking?" Hungarian soldier: "I was thinking I should also kick him..." Albania declares war on Luxemburg. In case of rain, the "match" will be kept in a covered stadium. Joe and George are US special agents sent to Russia to assassinate the communist president. They are flown from Alaska and airdropped into Siberia. They should walk their way through the terrain and reach Moscow. Blend in with the crowd and kill the leader... But Siberia seems to big bigger then on the map back in the USA. They get lost in the cold winter in the night and start looking for firewood in a wild Siberian forest... They get far from each other and cannot see each other in the dark... This conversation takes place... - Joe? - Yeah! - Joe, I found some animal tracks, I think these are big ones... - George! Hey! ... - Joe, yeah? - George!...I think they're wolf tracks! - ... - George??! - oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!! - George??! - oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!! - ... - oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!! - oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!! A Soviet army officer is shouting at one of his drunk soldiers! Officer: "Sergey! You drunk animal! If you wouldn't drink that much vodka, you could be captain! " Sergey: "Haah? Woaah, major, last time I drank 2 times as much and I felt like a general!" During the Korean war, a meeting is held between the US and the North Korean delegation at the UN headquarters. The Americans are sure that they will win the war, while the North Koreans believe that they will overcome. A US army general meets a North Korean army general at the buffet and the two start chatting about the war going on in Korea... US general: "What will you do after the war ends?" North Korean general: "I will proudly sit on my bicycle and take off for a nice trip around my country!" The American ironically replies... US general: "And what will you do in the evening?" A Russian pilot is shot down in a spy plane over Alaska. He is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation. US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!" Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again... US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the Mig-29 fighter!" Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!" He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them: "Comrades, learn the Mig-29 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"
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