Politician jokes

Crazy dictator, Nicolae Ceauşescu visits a mental institution in Romania.

Because the "nutcases" who live there are so stupid that they can't remember their own names, they are given numbers... like: Popescu is  "Number 1", Ionescu is "Number 2" and so on...

The dictator enters the mental hospital and starts chatting with the crazy patients.

Ceauşescu: "Hey, hello kid! Who are you?"

"Nut": "Hi, ahhh, I'm Number 8!"

Ceauşescu: "Wow! You are smart! And do you know who I am?"

"Nut": "Yeapp, ya're Number 9!"

Rats multiply in the Kremlin and the Soviet dictator Brezhnev asks for help.

The rat killer specialist comes. He takes out a mechanical rat, pushes a button on it and it starts dancing around and runs out the gate and jumps into the river. The other rats go crazy, follow him and all jump into the water.

Brezhnev is satisfied and says: "Hey, komrade, couldn't you make a little mechanical American too?"

Fidel Castro is invited to Russia for a meeting with Nikita Khrushchev.

The two get lost while walking in a forest in Siberia and, suddenly they're attacked by a hungry bear.

Suddenly, Khrushchevev puts his backpack down, opens it and takes a pair of sneakers out of it. He takes his boots off, puts on the sneakers and starts running.

Castro starts shouting with a strong Spanish accent: "Where are you running  compadre? You cannot outrun a strong bear!"

Khrushchev replies: "No, Fidel! I am trying to outrun you!"

Nikita Khrushchev takes a trip around the World with his wife.

The wife asks him: "Where are we now dear?"

Khrushchev: "In America!"

Wife: "How do you know that?"

Khrushchev: "They just thrown a tomato into my face"

Later...

Wife: "Where are we now?"

Khrushchev: "In France"

Wife: "How do you know?"

Khrushchev: "They just kissed my butt"

Wife: "Where are we now?"

Khrushchev: "In Romania"

Wife: "How can you tell?"

Khrushchev: "They just stole my watch!"

The elder George Bush, and Gorbachev are flying in a jet, arguing about which country has better life standards and stronger economy.

After a long discussion, Gorbachev throws a Ruble our the window and says: "Today, I made a man happy!"

Bush throws out 2 one Dollar bills and tells him: "Well, I made two people happy today!"

Hearing this, the two pilots start chatting with each other: "Shouldn't we throw them both out and make the whole World happier?"

Romanian communist tyrant, Ceauşescu visits a scientific research centre.

Renowned for his low IQ, but still considered "the brain of the country", he admits to the scientists that he has heard about physics, but he doesn't understand what chemistry is.

A scientist tries to explain him: "Chemistry is just like physics, only that is stinks"

Stalin dies. He then goes to hell (of course).

In heaven, angels are awakened by a huge noise at heaven's door... Saint Peter opens the door and what does he see... a crowd of devils screaming desperately.

Saint Peter: "What is wrong with you, what are you doing here?"

Devils: "We are the first group of immigrants from hell! We request political exile in heaven! Since Stalin is down there with us, the whole hell has went nuts!"

Gorbachev, Ceauşescu, Bush and the pope are flying on an airplane when the engines fail. The pilot cries desperately to the passengers...

Pilot:  "We have to abandon the plane, we are going to crash, but we only have 4 parachutes for the 5 of us! One of us will not be able to jump"

Gorbachev jumps up and takes a parachute..

Gorbachev: "I must save myself, I am the Soviet Union's president... Da svidanya!".

And he jumps out...

Bush: "I gotta go, fellaz, 'cause I'm the president of the United States... Bye!"

He takes the second parachute and jumps...

Ceauşescu, the pope and the pilot remain with only 2 more parachutes.

Ceauşescu (famous for his low i.q.) takes another parachute...

Ceauşescu: "I am the "Brain of the World", the most intelligent genius in the World, I must jump out! You go to hell! La revedere!"

The pope and the pilot are left.

The pope: "My son, you take the last the parachute, I give myself to the hands of God. Good luck son!"

The pilot: "No, father, don't worry! We can both jump out, we have 2 parachutes! The "World's Brain" jumped out with my lunch box!"

Nikita Khrushchev is flying over Africa with his airplane and suddenly due to an engine failure, the pilot crash-lands the aircraft into the deep jungle...

A crowd of tribal people gather around and bring the survivors, among which Khrushchev, to their village.

Khrushchev is afraid of man eating tribes, also because he's the fattest, juiciest from all passengers... Khrushchev is begging for mercy...

Tribe chief: "No, no, we're not man eaters! We have given up those primitive habits! We have decided to become vegetarians!"

Khrushchev: "Well that's great to hear! I am happy to be with you!"

Tribal chief: "Sure! Welcome! Make yourself at home!"

Everyone is joyful and they all gather around the fire at night at a ceremonial dinner, but surprisingly no food is seen anywhere...

The tribe chief sits near Khrushchev and starts talking to him...

Tribal chief: "We only eat things like bananas, coconuts, apples... By the way, could I have a taste of your Adam's apple?" and he savagely bites Khrushchev in his fat neck!

Fidel Castro is suffering of insomnia. He goes to his doctor and complains.

Castro: "I cannot sleep, no matter what I do! What should I do?"

Doctor: "Try reading your own speeches"

Nicolae Ceauşescu and his wife are at Brezhnev's funeral.

The "big bear" is laid to rest, buried. Ceauşescu tells his wife Elena: "Have you seen Brezhnev's golden watch?". The wife replies: "No". Then, Ceau: "Here, then check it out!"

Nixon, Brezhnev and Napoleon meet in hell.   

They're all unsatisfied about the lives that they've lived and are arguing about how it could have been.

Stalin: "If I had an aircraft carrier in 1944, I would have occupied the whole Europe"

Napoleon: "If I had just one Apache helicopter, I would have smashed the British fleet at Waterloo!"

Nixon: "That's nothin'! If I had a propaganda newspaper like the Pravda, no-one would have found out about Watergate!"

Hungarian tyrant, Mátyás Rákosi pays a visit to the Hungarian political prisoner camp at Recsk. He walks towards a detainee and starts a conversation...

Rákosi: "Why are you here comrade?"

Prisoner: "'cause your gorillas don't wanna let us out! That's why!"

Romanian Communist dictator, Nicolae Ceauşescu makes an official visit to the Soviet Union. He meets president Mikhail Gorbachev and his foreign affairs minister, the Georgian Eduard Shevardnadze.

Gorbachev is very proud of Shevardnadze. And he's trying to prove this fact to Ceauşescu.

Gorbachev: "He's the smartest man working for me, he's the most intelligent foreign affairs minister in the World!".

Gorbachev puts Shevardnadze to the test, asking him: "Shevardnadze! Who's your mother's son and is not brother with you?".

Shevardnadze replies fast without hesitation: "Shevardnadze!".

Ceauşescu returns home, to Romania. He meets his foreign affairs minister, Dăscălescu and puts him to the test...

Ceauşescu: "Who's your mother's son and is not brother with you?".

Dăscălescu: "Let me check that boss! I'll call the state security service, right now!" and he picks up the phone, starts dialing...

But Ceauşescu grabs his arm and shouts at him: "Shevardnadze! You idiot!"

A CIA secret agent is sent to the Communist Republic Of Romania to assassinate ruthless dictator Nicolae Ceauşescu, the most cruel self-obsessed dictator of communist Europe.

The agent goes to a public meeting and tries to aim, but... he cannot shoot the dictator. He tries again, again and again, but he cannot do it...

When he returns to the CIA headquarters in Washington, he is asked by his chief what happened.

CIA agent: "Whenever I managed to crawl forward to find myself a good position, tried to aim, people started shouting: SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!" 

Communist dictator, Fidel Castro terrorizes his people to applaud him, to acclaim him, treat him like a semi-god figure. Acclamations are compulsory, anyone not applauding at his speeches is brought to jail and tortured.

One day, the long bearded Castro decides to go out and mix in with his people. He wants to know whether people really like him or simply acclaim him because they are persecuted if they don't.

Castro goes to cinema, where a movie about him is running... he sits down and admires the movie from the cinema chair...

Suddenly he appears in the movie. Everyone in the cinema jumps up applauding and shouting: "Long live Fidel Castro! Long live Fidel Castro!"

Unrecognized, Castro feels overwhelmed, smiling in the middle of the crowd.

Suddenly someone taps Castro on the head: "Clap your hands Santa Claus or the police will lock you up!"

2 Romanian communist politicians are walking on an empty field...

Communist #1: "Whooa, my God! Jesus! What huge grainfield! Wow! My God!"

Communist #2: "There's no grain field here you idiot!"

Communist #1: "...and is there a God?"

Finally, an interview between Larry King and Fidel Castro is arranged, but only in Havanna, isolated between four walls and filming is forbidden.

When Larry King flies back to the CNN studio, he's asked by his boss: "So, what did you ask him, Larry?"

Larry King: "I couldn't ask him anything, he kept on talking for 24 hours like a radio"

Turkish occupation 400 years ago has lasted for about 150 years in Hungary, while Soviet occupation imposed communism for 45 years.

Brezhnev doesn't understand how come Hungarians are so disgusted about the Soviet occupation and aren't paying much attention to the 150 years of Turkish domination.

Turkish sultan Suleyman and Leonid Brezhnev meet in hell. Brezhnev starts complaining about the Soviet occupation of Hungary and how disgusted the Hungarian population was of the communist doctrine.

Brezhnev: "You have dominated Hungarians for 150 years, but I can't understand why everyone hates us much more! We were there for only 45 years and everyone throws up when they hear about us!"

Suleyman: "Well, that's because we haven't made the 2 major mistakes that you Soviets have.

First of all: we did not impose the study of Turkish language in Hungarian schools, like you did with Russian.

Secondly, the Hungarians never had to celebrate the Turkish occupation, like you made them celebrate the Soviet invasion every year."

Brezhnev, also nicknamed "The Big Bear" is out hunting for bears, with his comrades in the Ural Mountains. 

One huge shot is heard...

A "comrade" jumps out form behind a tree: "I got one, I got one!"

Ooops! The "bear" was actually comrade Brezhnev... What a trophy! 

Czechoslovak dictator Dubček, Hungarian dictator Kádár and Soviet dictator Brezhnev are taking part at a sporting even held for communist leaders.

They are competing at hammer throwing.

Dubček throws the hammer at 10 m.

Brezhnev throws it at 20 m.

Kádár throws it at an astonishing distance of 50 m. A new record is set, everyone jumps up and congratulates the dictator.

Kádár: "Yeap, 50 m hammer throw, but if I could have thrown the sickle too..."

Khrushchev at a congress, is extremely angry at his ministers who don't trust him, so he shouts to them: "Comrades! Believe me! I'm telling you, when I say I take, I have taken and when I say I give I have said!"

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